I turn 76 next week. Feeling more challenged about this birthday than most others. To be honest, deep down I’m a little unsettled. All these years, all the time spent, sometimes misspent. As I write this, I feel a little conflicted. About life and purpose and destiny. Have I missed something? Stayed on track? Or too often gone my own way, while all along thinking it was God. Who can be certain? I once trusted my instincts. No so much anymore.
Sometimes I feel so alive I am incredibly happy. Other times my heart feels buried. A few regrets along the way, but more joys. Defeat here and there but also exhilarating victories. Real faith. But times of discouragement. Love and anger. You’d be surprised how the two are so closely related.
Thinking back on my life, what went right? What went wrong? Take my life God. Oops, taking it back. Respect. No respect. Answered prayers. But some unanswered? What happened, God? Friends suffering and I can’t make sense of it. So glad You’re here God but sometimes I just couldn’t find You in the midst of dark days.
Truly love my wife, an extraordinary woman. She’s a saint for what she’s put up with. Grateful for my home, family, the canyon, for Little Church, the Sawdust, ministry in Asia, for Laguna and friends. So many great times. Such immense blessings.
But lots of battles. Weary of brokenness. Too sensitive. Impulsive. Insecurities. Defensiveness. Weaknesses. Humility elusive. Why did I say that? Think Jay, before acting. Then there’s self. Too much of it. Way too much.
Drive out. Numbing illusions. Life-long assumptions I now question. Never meant to hurt anybody. I’m Ok, you’re OK, or not. I pray no bitterness. Nothing harder for me than disapproval, not even close. But grace, forgiveness, resisting the cycles of self-pity, mercy…these I reach for. Holding on to dreams, but just barely. Pretty soon it will be too late, or is it ever too late?
One year older. One year closer to heaven. While here on earth, I keep saying to God, “Take the rest of my life Lord, and do exactly what you want with it, no matter what it costs.” Do I really mean it?
Prayer Focus This Week – Pray for our nation – it’s broken, uncivil, with more hatred within political parties than I have ever seen. Still haven’t recovered from the Kavanaugh Supreme Court hearings. Just incredibly brutal. I have never in my life witnessed anything like it. May peace fall upon our land.
The verse I am tightly holding onto every day: “Fight the good fight; stay the course, keep the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:7
Pastor Jay